Tears, without holding them
can become the rapids
you never wanted to ride.

So they call it a "tankini"

 
So in preparation for my swim class starting again on July 10th I ordered, after a lengthy search a new bathing suit, I always get a one piece and some swim shorts to cover up my thighs which have entered the world record for fat, so I thought I would buy a two piece, bottom shorts, top to match. Yes they call it a tankini, I never thought that I would ever own anything that ended in ‘ini’. I was hoping that it would fit since I had never ordered from this catalog before. It fit and there was enough bathing suit to pull it up over my belly and barely enough to pull the top down, not to mention the padded bra in the top that brought the girls upfront and to attention. I was walking around thinking “what is this in front of me?”


So in the water I go, still feeling unsure if I am properly covered to conceal all my excess, and I found out that this suit also provided a life jacket made of boobs. I am lucky that I didn’t knock myself out, jumping up and down.

I eventually had to tuck the top into the bottom because after all I don’t have my belly button pierced yet and what would people think. All and all the suit is ok, I will never be a bathing beauty, just the big lady in the pool laughing out loud to herself with each jump. So who knew I would get back in a two piece…….not me!

Not just creeping up, more like a run away snowball.....

So, there is nothing more depressing than having your license renewed, just what you need, a picture every 4 years to remind you of what the past 4 years have done to you.  It all shows up, the stress the heartache, the lack of caring about yourself.  I can remember before I was 50, and I was coming up on my birthday and I said that this will be the year, the year that I will take care of myself and lose some weight, pamper myself and have me time, I called it Fit and Fifty.  Well ten years later I was sorry and sixty, but not sorry enough to do something about it.  Now I am coming up on 63 and I am about as unfit as I can be, the heavyest I have ever been, the oldest I have ever been, and I guess I could blame it on the life that surrounds me, but the truth is I can only blame myself.  I am sure that I will go out of this life (later rather than sooner), unfit, unhealthy, unthin, and unbeautiful.  But it is what it is I guess.  I can always dig out all those old licenses and see how when I was 40 I thought I looked bad, little did I know I would out do myself 23 years later.  So who knew I wouldn't look 29 forever.

Chicken and rice cakes???

So I went to the doctor on Friday for my 3 month check up.  My blood sugar A1c was up but all my other stats were excellent.  I gained 8 lbs since Feb.  if you know me you know I can not afford to gain even 8 ounces.  I thought I was going to get lectured about portions, drinking more water, eat more chicken, brown rice and rice cakes, and I DID.   I don't know if the doctor realizes how unrealistic that sounds.  I have waited all these years to be able to do what I want and to afford to go to dinner whenever I want, I know that it is selfish and detrimental to my health, but I am not eating dry chicken and rice cakes.  I will exercise more and be more careful with the snacks, I will get my A1c back down in the 6's and all will be right with the world.  Reality is a hard pill to swallow and I already take 7 pills every day. So at this time in my life I think I will do my best to take care and  to make myself happy.  I might take out the bike this weekend.  Or I might  not.  So who knew I could be so disobedient. 

I am so Proud to be an American

So we just had a very special weekend, full of grilled chicken, hot dogs and hamburgers, toasted marshmallows, swimming in the pool and having an ice cold drink. I also know that many of us were thinking of the reason for the holiday, we were thinking of the brave men and women who have given their lives for the freedom we enjoy, for the veterans of yesterday and today who aren't doing so well. We also pray every day for the safe return of our troops even though we know that all of them will not walk off that last plane ride home.  I also thank God that we are a people who worship our heros, and appreciate the protection they provide.  We may not always say it but THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.  God Bless America.

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It's just me..

So I guess that when I am gone, and everyone is going through my things, they will discover all the things I have written over the years, bits and pieces of my life, of my happiness and my sadness. I know that I am no different from everyone else on this planet and that God will only give you what you can handle, but at times I felt so overloaded with fear, sadness, and loneliness . Writing provided me a way to get it off my chest, out of my heart so the pain was lessened. Writing also provided me a place to enjoy my own sarcasm and dry humor. Over the years I have found that I am actually a realist. If it is fact then I am ok with it, if I cannot do anything about it, if I cannot change things or go back and un-ring the bell, well then I accept it. That is not to say that I haven’t fought for myself and the people I love, I have gone that extra mile, I am not a pushover. I think that it is the way it is supposed to be and the burden I am supposed to carry. I know that other people do not feel like this. I do know the hopeless feeling of trying to fix something that will not be fixed, and to put something so deep in my brain that I want to believe it doesn’t exist, and I am aware that others are tormented by this and other forms of helplessness. I often ask myself, is this healthy, probably not since I am not healthy and I have always been this way.


So who knew that I would be able to express myself this way and be honest (one of my many faults). Someday I am going to make a true effort to collect all the things I have written and put them together. All the wife things, mother things and just human things I have experienced in my life, I know that they do happen to others, it’s just that I seem to have an organizational system about my feelings and emotions that are controlled and it gives me the ability to move on, be happy, and find that silver lining in every dark cloud. I am thankful for this and it is not such a bad thing, sometimes I feel as though it is a gift. I will only give so much time to feeling sorry for myself or being in the darkness of sadness, then I have to open the blinds and let the light in, and I thank God for this gift. So who knew how blessed I was……..

Motherhood

I hope everyone had a wonderful, love filled Mothers Day, even if you do not have children you have mothered someone in your life so take credit for it.  Mothering is a natural thing we do from the start.  I had a very peaceful weekend, My oldest daughter a mother of two, said she was having a relaxing spa day at home with her family, my youngest daughter invited us to her home and her husband (my son-in-law) made us a delicious dinner and we had hours of fun with the three boys, ice cream cake for dessert and relaxing conversation.  Home to relax and watch TV, a glass of wine and the weekend is almost over.  My kids always treat me like a Queen and I love it. 
My thoughts of the day were of my Mother who I loved so much.  I miss her very much.  She was the most wonderful mother anyone could want, I know she is watching over me, alongside my Dad, boy I have been so lucky in my life.  Instead of counting sheep I will always count my Blessings.  So who Knew.

I love my swim class

So last nite was my swim aerobics class, I have been going to this class for almost 5 years, some of my favorite peeps are in the class and we do have a lot of fun while we are getting exercise.  I love the water, I always did, they used to say " she is like a fish we can't get her out of the pool once she is in",  I love the sound of water the look of water and my favorite place to be on a cool fall day is wrapped in a blanket in the doons of Fire Island Beach, smelling the sea air and watching the gulls, and waves come and go.

Well back to my swim class, there were only a few of us there last nite and the water was warm enough to be comfortable right from entry.  We jogged, reached, floated, jumped, moving continuously for 1 hour.  I hate to get out, the feeling of weightlessness is heavenly until I get on the ladder to exit the pool and then it feels like someone is pulling me back in.  So who knew.....that someone is reality

She's Back

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me to say the least and I am ready for newness in my life, so after a tearful weekend with much discussion, laughter and love, I sailed away on the tears of my fears and rose upon the sunrise.  Good Morning Harrisburg.  I feel settled today and I want it to stay that way. 
I had a great time talking with my sister yesterday and she told me that she had learned to make a bracelet with the elastic string, I wish we lived close by each other but we will share these projects over skype and e-mail until I can make the trip.  I have been trying my hand at making some jewelry for my website and if my sister could contribute to that it would be great.  I will be starting to make glass pendants soon and am looking forward to being busy.  So who knew I could bounce back like this......I did!

Will this ever go away??

I am not sure this mess will ever go away.  I feel like I am the bad guy, I feel like everyone gets to weigh in on my actions. " Excuse me "I was defending myself not attacking anyone.  Did I embarrass him and others maybe so, but it was my turn to say what was on my mind, and it was her turn to hear it. This is not a part I like to play but I am the victim here, me.  I did not start any of this and yet I feel like I am being judged by what people are saying and what they are  not saying.  That huge sigh of relief that left me feeling so good yesterday is gone.  I feel like an outcast. I am way way too old for this.  And I do not lie, or tell bogus stories.

So who knew.....I would be at the bottom of this pile, I did!

I had my day in court

Today I had my day in court sort of, I found his working schedule and saw that she was working today, last nite her name came up and it just got me all worked up, I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, being reminded of her each time I go in my bed, then I get nasty,( yes hard to believe I can get nasty) but I do, sometimes that helps me sleep.  Instead of going to work I stayed in my car watching and waiting, finally she arrived, I watched her park her vehicle one car from me and I grabbed my keys and got out, I confronted her and told her how much she and him had hurt me, I cried a little, she didn't even know who I was at first.  I got everything off my chest, even said some things about him that were not true just to make her question her "love"  I told her it is over, she is killing me, she ruined my life how dare she be in my home playing house with my husband.  I also told her that as angry as I am I would not involve her friends and husband via facebook. I am afraid he will beat her.  I told her if she was unhappy in her marriage she better get out now before there are children.  It's over, it's over.  I told him what I did and he was so sorry I was put in this position.  I am sorry for nothing.
So who knew..... that my day in court would feel so good, I thought I just wanted to see her, but I also wanted her to see me.

What Now?

So who knew it would only take almost 4 months to get back to where we started.  When all this happened my sister-in-law who I love dearly told me make him pay!!! she said you will have the power but it will only last for 6 months, well I think my personality over rode that time line, we are so into the same routine, me cooking, him on his computer, watching tv every nite.  Even though I suggest that we go to the lake and sit for a while or buy some wine and sit outside after dinner, none of these things happen. In the beginning when I came home he was so glad to have me there I really thought his "affair" was over, but as time went by the mushy kisses (that I had not received in years) were gone, reduced to the peck.  He makes a point of saying he loves me all the time, and I think he does, but what has always bothered me is in 4 months he has not been romantic at all.  I used to think that once he had the "taste" YUK!, of a 24 year old he didn't have any desire for me.  I think that will always be true, but the truth is after I get mad, I get even. and he won't like it .  I am willing to take some of the blame for things falling back into routine, I guess he wants me to be his old girl.  Well this old girl is not dumb or blind.  What Now?

Getting back to reality

Wow someone commented on my blog, that means someone is reading it, thank you whoever you are.
I am back home now and we are working on things, for the first couple of months back home I was like my own comedy team giving him the zingers one after the other, I think I needed that to get all the snide remarks that were pent up in my mind out. I did, and occasionally I still do.
I don't know if I have enough life left in me to begin trusting him totally again, time will tell.  I think that the only pressing thing for me now is I have to see her in person.  I know he does not want that but I am not asking his permission,  I think I just need to see her.
I watched the movie Descendants over the weekend, we both did, and to hear the character Matt (George Clooney) vent all his feelings when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him, validated all my feelings, and after we went to bed I asked my husband if he saw all the similarities with my feelings and he said he did.  There was a little bit of that shameful look on his face as he watched the movie but it was good.
Moving on is the right thing for who I am, I tried to picture myself living alone in some apartment but it did not feel right.  I am doing ok, better some days than others, in some ways it made me more comfortable with myself.

The definition of life is change.

Finding out that your husband is having an affair........Heartbreaking

Making a real mess of your finances for divorce........Crazy

Deciding to work things out........Scary

The look of shame on his face........PRICELESS