It's just me..

So I guess that when I am gone, and everyone is going through my things, they will discover all the things I have written over the years, bits and pieces of my life, of my happiness and my sadness. I know that I am no different from everyone else on this planet and that God will only give you what you can handle, but at times I felt so overloaded with fear, sadness, and loneliness . Writing provided me a way to get it off my chest, out of my heart so the pain was lessened. Writing also provided me a place to enjoy my own sarcasm and dry humor. Over the years I have found that I am actually a realist. If it is fact then I am ok with it, if I cannot do anything about it, if I cannot change things or go back and un-ring the bell, well then I accept it. That is not to say that I haven’t fought for myself and the people I love, I have gone that extra mile, I am not a pushover. I think that it is the way it is supposed to be and the burden I am supposed to carry. I know that other people do not feel like this. I do know the hopeless feeling of trying to fix something that will not be fixed, and to put something so deep in my brain that I want to believe it doesn’t exist, and I am aware that others are tormented by this and other forms of helplessness. I often ask myself, is this healthy, probably not since I am not healthy and I have always been this way.


So who knew that I would be able to express myself this way and be honest (one of my many faults). Someday I am going to make a true effort to collect all the things I have written and put them together. All the wife things, mother things and just human things I have experienced in my life, I know that they do happen to others, it’s just that I seem to have an organizational system about my feelings and emotions that are controlled and it gives me the ability to move on, be happy, and find that silver lining in every dark cloud. I am thankful for this and it is not such a bad thing, sometimes I feel as though it is a gift. I will only give so much time to feeling sorry for myself or being in the darkness of sadness, then I have to open the blinds and let the light in, and I thank God for this gift. So who knew how blessed I was……..