So today I stayed home from work, the weather was really bad and I had nothing urgent on my desk so I stayed home. I was thinking today that even though we love people, family friends etc, and they rely on us for things, as we rely on them, the truth is that we are really alone. Our safe place is with ourselves, I am alone with God, he is who I ultimately am one with. All the things, good and bad and believe me I have seen plenty of both, are what shapes us, what gives us our opinions and helps us make decisions. Even a horrible event will effect us in a good way, as long as we are willing to be open to change and learning from our mistakes and others. So we must continue to love and care for others, and let them love and care for us, as this will add up being who we are in our hearts and souls.

So here I am at work, a Wed. tonite is weight in, I hope I did well. I stopped and put gas in my car, something I only started doing in the last 6 months. I used to be very spoiled, my husband always cleaned and gassed up my car every Sunday. He still cleans it but out of necessity I have learned to put the gas in by myself. I think that the whole debit card thing helps me because I wouldn't want to have to go in and pay first, so doing all the work at the pump is easy, I don't know what I was afraid of, just another thing I have overcome in my sheltered life.

epiphany, that is such a funny word, I never thought much of it, never really thought about what it means, until I had one. One nite at work in the poconos, I was walking down the hall to get a cup of coffee. I felt an awareness of myself, I felt confident, stood tall, I was fearless and self assured. I realized that when I walk alone I walk and feel so much different than when I walk with my husband, when walking with him I instinctively feel shorter, less important, not sure of myself, not sure how this happened, I guess it has to do with the whole subservient thing, but I am going to make a conscious effort to always walk like I walk alone, it really felt good to be aware of this.

So I bought the Susan Boyd CD, It was very nice, she is an inspiration for woman that have worked hard all their lives standing second to someone. In her case I imagine it was her mother, even though she sang to fulfill a dream and please her mother who has passed. I think that the reason she did not make this big step before is because she was in her mothers shadow. We don't always realize that we stand in a shadow of another until we are out of it. It is a hard place to be. Even when you do realize the shadow covers you, your ambitions, your thoughts, your freedom, it is a big move to walk out of that shadow. This from a shadow dweller.

Today is the 19th, I have been trying all week to reach the caseworker for Michael, she is out of the office, I have no other way of finding out how he is, if she even really knows. My heart has been aching with sadness for Michael. It is easy to say that he is better off where ever he is than with his parents, but I don't know that for sure. Then when I turn my phone on this morning there is a voice mail from John Jr. Why does a mother have this sixth sense, I would be very happy to be clueless, and un-caring, it wouldn't hurt so much.
We are going to have a happy evening, yesterday was my son-in-law's birthday, and Bridget is taking us all out to dinner at the Olive Garden. Scott is the most wonderful son-in-law anyone could ask for. This makes me happy, thank God for Bridget and Scott.

So we had Monday off the Presidents holiday, back yesterday to work and here I am again, but it is already Wed. To be exact Ash Wednesday. I don't think that I will get to church this year. Weight Watchers meeting tonite, missed last week because of the 18" of snow. So I am looking forward to see my results. I had a very nice weekend, watched movies had nice dinners, did a little shopping and worked on some projects at home. Today I feel like singing that song "is that all there is?" I feel so blah. I guess I am no different than anyone else, waiting for some sunshine and warm weather. Work is pretty quiet. I really have nothing else to add, except I hope this blah passes.

Valentines Day

well it is valentines day , this used to be my favorite holiday, I would love to invite a couple to dinner and go all out. I would make a special meal, cut hearts out of tomatoes for the salad, red jello hearts, red candles, decorate the table with hearts, have a nice bottle of wine, place cards, everything red I could find decorating the table and room. No kids around, they were restricted to the upstairs for the evening, we always had a wonderful time. I guess you would say that is when I was young, and that is true. I haven't done that dinner in some time, not that I think any less of valentines day, just that over the years life has a way of wearing you out. Taking the wind out of your sails. But I do wish everyone a happy valentines day. Last nite we watched two movies (one a romantic comedy) and this morning I got 2 dozen roses. Life is good. Love is good.

So I was driving to work this morning, cold air, sunlight, the crispness is refreshing, and I was thinking that being in my car is the place where I have the peace, quiet, and aloneness that I love. No radio, just me and my thoughts. I have cried many times in my car, trying to deal with what ever crisis, sadness, drama was happening in my life at the time. I even once recorded myself talking 30 minutes to work and 30 minutes home, I guess it was my self therapy. I will continue to love my time alone in my car, and love the silence, being able to hear myself, and being able to listen.

So we had a day off from work and a 2 hour delay for state workers because of the snow. I wish I could say that I accomplished some great amount of projects at home but that would be a big no. I spoke to my brother on skype and compared notes on the snow here and on Long Island. Spoke to my sister on skype but could not see her, her skype had been attacked by some avatar site and I was speaking to a talking dog, woof woof.
I showed my sister the missins I had made her, I promise to get them in the mail today. She said she loves all the things I make her and it made me think how much I appreciate her, she is everything to me, I feel very protective of her, and having her to make things for gives me such joy and fulfilment. And to have her love the things I make is icing on the cake. I love you Peg.

snow

So Much Snow

Good Morning, Feb 9th. We are expecting another snow storm this afternoon into tomorrow. We have had such mild winters since we moved here to Harrisburg, this is really different, like being back in the poconos. Today I have to mentally light a fire under my butt, I have so much to do, so many projects to finish. I am however doing very well on the WW . I am doing it for me, no one else just me. We babysitted for B last nite, those boys are so cute, but , yes I am getting old when changing diapers is a back killer. I am glad I am finally working hard to get healthier. Wish me luck on that fire bomb.

Feb 5, 2010, we are expecting a major (so they say) winter storm. I think we have the required bread and milk and plenty to keep us busy for the weekend. First on my agenda tomorrow is to sleep in. I had a really good week for my weight loss, let's pray that my optimism holds firm.
This is the time of year when everyone is waiting for spring, warm weather, fresh air, birds chirping and flowers blooming, I too wait for these things, but I enjoy this time of year when we can hibernate from view. When I can get hold of some sewing projects and enjoy them, not feeling guilty that I am sitting inside on a such a nice day. So after my sleeping in, I will tackle my weekend chores and sew without guilt.

Feb 3rd, saw the dermatologist this morning, only expected a check up after the skin cancer surgery. I had three biopsies. UGH. Nothing to worry about. We had some snow last nite. I am going to take advantage of this sick day, off from work and do some sewing, one of my passions. I only wish I could be hit with some inspiration for this next doll , sometimes it is like waiting for the birth of a child. I will be entering a new post tonite, because I have my first week weigh in at weight watchers and I have been feeling wonderful. Especially this morning, I did not feel like I was blowing out of my clothes, I am being realistic, I know I only lost a few pounds, but if that makes me feel this motivated, I am looking forward to this being the last time I lose this weight in my life. see you later.

So it is Feb 2nd, ground hog day, it is so cold here, I can feel the dampness in the air, they are predicting some snow for tonite.
Today is one day away from my first weigh in at weight watchers. I had a really good week and look forward to many more. I don't think I will be discouraged if I did not lose a lot of weight, a couple of pounds will be fine, because I feel so good. Why do we so easily forget how good it feels to take care of ourselves. We for get the devil is in the donuts and how short lived that enjoyment is. Wish me good luck, this is the last time I am going to lose this weight.