I love my swim class

So last nite was my swim aerobics class, I have been going to this class for almost 5 years, some of my favorite peeps are in the class and we do have a lot of fun while we are getting exercise.  I love the water, I always did, they used to say " she is like a fish we can't get her out of the pool once she is in",  I love the sound of water the look of water and my favorite place to be on a cool fall day is wrapped in a blanket in the doons of Fire Island Beach, smelling the sea air and watching the gulls, and waves come and go.

Well back to my swim class, there were only a few of us there last nite and the water was warm enough to be comfortable right from entry.  We jogged, reached, floated, jumped, moving continuously for 1 hour.  I hate to get out, the feeling of weightlessness is heavenly until I get on the ladder to exit the pool and then it feels like someone is pulling me back in.  So who knew.....that someone is reality

She's Back

It has been a rough couple of weeks for me to say the least and I am ready for newness in my life, so after a tearful weekend with much discussion, laughter and love, I sailed away on the tears of my fears and rose upon the sunrise.  Good Morning Harrisburg.  I feel settled today and I want it to stay that way. 
I had a great time talking with my sister yesterday and she told me that she had learned to make a bracelet with the elastic string, I wish we lived close by each other but we will share these projects over skype and e-mail until I can make the trip.  I have been trying my hand at making some jewelry for my website and if my sister could contribute to that it would be great.  I will be starting to make glass pendants soon and am looking forward to being busy.  So who knew I could bounce back like this......I did!

Will this ever go away??

I am not sure this mess will ever go away.  I feel like I am the bad guy, I feel like everyone gets to weigh in on my actions. " Excuse me "I was defending myself not attacking anyone.  Did I embarrass him and others maybe so, but it was my turn to say what was on my mind, and it was her turn to hear it. This is not a part I like to play but I am the victim here, me.  I did not start any of this and yet I feel like I am being judged by what people are saying and what they are  not saying.  That huge sigh of relief that left me feeling so good yesterday is gone.  I feel like an outcast. I am way way too old for this.  And I do not lie, or tell bogus stories.

So who knew.....I would be at the bottom of this pile, I did!

I had my day in court

Today I had my day in court sort of, I found his working schedule and saw that she was working today, last nite her name came up and it just got me all worked up, I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, being reminded of her each time I go in my bed, then I get nasty,( yes hard to believe I can get nasty) but I do, sometimes that helps me sleep.  Instead of going to work I stayed in my car watching and waiting, finally she arrived, I watched her park her vehicle one car from me and I grabbed my keys and got out, I confronted her and told her how much she and him had hurt me, I cried a little, she didn't even know who I was at first.  I got everything off my chest, even said some things about him that were not true just to make her question her "love"  I told her it is over, she is killing me, she ruined my life how dare she be in my home playing house with my husband.  I also told her that as angry as I am I would not involve her friends and husband via facebook. I am afraid he will beat her.  I told her if she was unhappy in her marriage she better get out now before there are children.  It's over, it's over.  I told him what I did and he was so sorry I was put in this position.  I am sorry for nothing.
So who knew..... that my day in court would feel so good, I thought I just wanted to see her, but I also wanted her to see me.

What Now?

So who knew it would only take almost 4 months to get back to where we started.  When all this happened my sister-in-law who I love dearly told me make him pay!!! she said you will have the power but it will only last for 6 months, well I think my personality over rode that time line, we are so into the same routine, me cooking, him on his computer, watching tv every nite.  Even though I suggest that we go to the lake and sit for a while or buy some wine and sit outside after dinner, none of these things happen. In the beginning when I came home he was so glad to have me there I really thought his "affair" was over, but as time went by the mushy kisses (that I had not received in years) were gone, reduced to the peck.  He makes a point of saying he loves me all the time, and I think he does, but what has always bothered me is in 4 months he has not been romantic at all.  I used to think that once he had the "taste" YUK!, of a 24 year old he didn't have any desire for me.  I think that will always be true, but the truth is after I get mad, I get even. and he won't like it .  I am willing to take some of the blame for things falling back into routine, I guess he wants me to be his old girl.  Well this old girl is not dumb or blind.  What Now?

Getting back to reality

Wow someone commented on my blog, that means someone is reading it, thank you whoever you are.
I am back home now and we are working on things, for the first couple of months back home I was like my own comedy team giving him the zingers one after the other, I think I needed that to get all the snide remarks that were pent up in my mind out. I did, and occasionally I still do.
I don't know if I have enough life left in me to begin trusting him totally again, time will tell.  I think that the only pressing thing for me now is I have to see her in person.  I know he does not want that but I am not asking his permission,  I think I just need to see her.
I watched the movie Descendants over the weekend, we both did, and to hear the character Matt (George Clooney) vent all his feelings when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him, validated all my feelings, and after we went to bed I asked my husband if he saw all the similarities with my feelings and he said he did.  There was a little bit of that shameful look on his face as he watched the movie but it was good.
Moving on is the right thing for who I am, I tried to picture myself living alone in some apartment but it did not feel right.  I am doing ok, better some days than others, in some ways it made me more comfortable with myself.

The definition of life is change.

Finding out that your husband is having an affair........Heartbreaking

Making a real mess of your finances for divorce........Crazy

Deciding to work things out........Scary

The look of shame on his face........PRICELESS